


That's not what I meant and you know it

by ShyVioletCat



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Written Pre-ACoWaR
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-04
Updated: 2019-09-04
Packaged: 2020-10-06 21:50:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20514053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ShyVioletCat/pseuds/ShyVioletCat
Summary: A drabble written from a prompt I received on Tumblr. Written pre-ACOWAR





	That's not what I meant and you know it

Mor had banished herself.

It worried her how her power simmered so close to the surface. So close to being uncontrolled. She told herself that it was for the safety of everyone else she had left, that she didn’t want to hurt them if she had an outburst. But deep inside she knew the truth.

She had run away.

They had fought. And it had been bad. What had been worse is that everyone had heard it. They bickered and snarked at each other, but what they had just had, this was something new. Her family had all been there when Mor had lost it and yelled at Azriel and Azriel with his infinite patience had merely spoken to her calmly as he always did. But the anger that laced his words didn’t escape Mor’s notice. 

She paced the garden of the mountain cabin. It was dark but the moon was full and bright. After she and Amren had destroyed it years and years ago Rhys had threatened both of them with loss of privileges to it if they ever ruined it again. And the way she could feel her power just itching to be released she didn’t want to blow the roof off.

Mor’s anger flared. This… This was not the Azriel that had woken to her tears and pleas only a few short weeks ago. He had been cold and harsh and utterly dismissive of her. So different from the male who had then cried seeing the grief and pain on her face, the male who had tucked her in beside him as they grieved together. For their failure, for Cassian’s wings, for Feyre. Azriel had said he had heard every word she had said. All blood drain from her face then, at his simple acknowledgement of what she had told him. As he had laid there, clinging to life, Mor had confessed that she loved him. She had said the words that she had spent hundreds of years holding on to. Words she had kept locked away deep within herself. She had stilled beside him and all he said in his quiet calm voice was “Later”. Once again they would push that part of them away from sight. Away from feeling.

Mor lashed out, a blast of flew from her hand and the patch of wildflowers were obliterated. She paced, over and over, replaying their argument over and over in her head.

~~~~~

They had all gathered at Rhys’s townhouse for a dinner. Mor was standing by the fire, Azriel with her just chatting. This had been their first get together since Hybern, since Feyre had left and Cassian and Azriel had been able to stand long enough to function after recovering from their injuries. Mor had been content in that moment, not happy, but content. Her family was healing. 

Then Rhys had come up and one simple sentence from him had changed everything.

“Are you set for tomrrow Az?” Rhys ha said as he clapped him lightly on the shoulder.

Mor had looked up and Azriel had looked away. She looked back to Rhys and his face fell.

“What’s tomorrow?” Mor had asked looking between Azriel and Rhys. Then her voice became sharper as she asked again, “What’s tomorrow?”

Azriel looked at her now, apprehension all over his face. “I have a mission.”

“You what?” It had been the first she had heard of him leaving, when she looked at Rhys his face had paled and he quickly excused himself.

“I leave on a mission tomorrow,” Azriel said again.

“But,” Mor shook her head a little, “but Az your chest…”

“It’s fine Mor.” Azriel interrupted his voice like ice. 

It was the ice in Azriel’s voice that cut through Mor quicker and deeper that any blade could. And it made her snap.

“Azriel, that hole in your chest has barely closed itself up. You can barely fly.”

“I do have other skills, Mor,” Azriel said, his tone dismissive. 

Mor looked at him with wide, unbelieving eyes. Her resolved vanished.

“You cannot go Az!” Mor yelled. “Always pushing yourself, Az. Not now, later…” Mor’s voice broke on the last word.

“Morrigan, please,” Azriel’s voice was so cold and simmering with anger. It was never this cold when he talked to her.

“This is idiocy.” Mor’s voice was still raised and she did not care that the rest of the room had fallen silent. “In my opinion you’re going to get yourself killed by simply not caring for yourself!”

“What you think doesn’t matter.” Azriel had snapped out that sentence, each word as sharp and pointed as Truth Teller by his side.

Mor recoiled away from Az as if she had been physically hit. Not a sound could be heard in the room but all Mor could hear was the pounding of her own heart in her ears. She watched Azriel’s face crumpled as he realised what her had donde.

“Mor…”

But Mor had gone.

~~~~~

Mor felt tears fall and she wiped them away furiously. Never before had Azriel been like that. Never had he taken that tone with her, so angry. And his words rattled around in her heard again and again.

_What you think doesn’t matter. What you think doesn’t matter. What you think doesn’t matter._

Mor stopped pacing, her arms limp by her sides. Her power dissipated as her rage fell away. She felt defeated. Her and Az, they had come to an understanding. They had acknowledged there was something more between them. It was there, just beneath the surface. Waiting for… Later. When all this was over and they could all breathe and be. 

Mor heard the boom of wings and shivered and the breeze from them blew over her. He had come. Mor knew he would, and she had both wanted him to and for him to stay away. There was such a turmoil in her she didn’t know how this would end. 

“Mor,” Azriel’s voice was barely above a whisper.

Mor didn’t turn, she found that she couldn’t. 

“Mor please.”

Mor heard her own words echo in her head.

_“Az, please, I need you. You can’t leave. I love you, you need to know that. Please, stay with me.”_

Azriel had come to stand in front of her now, she could see his boots in front of her.

“Say something,” Azriel was pleading now.

“Why? You’ve made it clear that what I have to say doesn’t matter,” there was no life in Mor’s voice as she spoke.

“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” Azriel said, his voice firm but not harsh. 

Mor felt his scarred hands cup her cheeks and she allowed him to tilt her head so that she looked at him. Remorse and shame were written so clearly across his face. In this moment he was so open, no walls, nothing seemed to be between them.

“Why didn’t you just tell me?” Her voice was stronger than she felt.

Azriel sighed heavily and gave her cheek a soft brush with his thumb before he lowered his hands.

“I… I knew you would try and stop me. But I can’t just sit here. Rhys needs me to do my job and Feyre,” Azriel swallowed before he continued. “Feyre is alone surrounded by enemies. I need to do my job so she can come home.”

Mor tilted her head and examined the male in front of her. There were so many layers to who and what he was, so many facets, so many parts of him he kept hidden. And it was only Mor who saw all of them. She understood why he needed to go, it killed her, but she understood. And Mor needed to trust him.

“I should have told you. And should not have said those things to you, especially the way I did,” Azriel said as he now looked down.

Mor reached down and took Azriel hands in her, “I should not have yelled at you. You were right, I can’t tell you what to do but Az…”

_Later._

The word rang in the silence between them. She knew they both thought it, she could read it in his eyes. 

“You’ll be careful?” Mor tried to summon a smile but failed. “I’m trusting you to look after yourself Azriel. You come home without a scratch.”

“I always am,” Azriel said a small smile on his face, “for you. You can always trust me Mor. Come on. I’ll fly us home.”

Mor smiled now and snorted, “Whatever, Az.”

Without another word Mor gripped his hand and winnowed them home.


End file.
